One of Billions
The fact is: there are billions of humans currently in existence and I am one of them. Living, breathing, and experiencing the world as much as the next guy.
The fact is: there are billions of humans currently in existence and I am one of them. Living, breathing, and experiencing the world as much as the next guy.
The one time I actually want to get my homework done I lose the paper that tells me what I need to do. Joy.
if that makes sense..
About an hour ago, I was on the verge of another breakdown. Stress and all that. But yeah, I bumped some music and let it fill my ears. It got me pumped. Pumped to want to cry if I need to. Pumped to express myself through my voice, through my moves. I was about to start choreographing something new when, instead, I just continued singing along with the music. It was wonderful. Just singing out loud. Singing words that mean a lot to someone. Singing words that jump, flow, and rhyme. Words that tell a story. Words that aren’t just words. It was awesome and the breakdown was averted. That is all.
Look, I don’t know why you don’t really hang out with us at lunch anymore or even talk to me like you used to, but I miss seeing your face. I miss seeing you stutter while you try to talk to me. I miss walking to class with you. I simply miss talking to you. I’m sorry for not making it clear when I liked you. Yeah, I liked you. Thought you should know since I found out you liked me back. I’m sorry if you took my actions as a rejection. I’m sorry if I’m the reason why you stopped coming to our table or if you can’t stand talking to me anymore. We could’ve happened, I don’t deny that. I also don’t deny that it was probably my fault we didn’t. I just hope you’re happy with where you are now. I don’t want to guilt you into coming back, into talking to me again. I just feel like you should know that I did like you and I appreciated all you did. I appreciate those times you walked me to my class when yours was elsewhere. I appreciate when you came out of no where that one morning I was reading my book to talk to me. I thought it was cute every time you did silly stuff around me. I most definitely appreciate that you believed I was better and could do better than the grades I was receiving this school year. You’ve made me smile and laugh just by the thought of these things at random times of the day. And, because of all this, I know you’re going to be a wonderful boyfriend and husband to some lucky lady. She could be anyone and you could meet her at anytime. Who knows, you could’ve met her already. Whoever she is, I hope she’ll love you as much as I know you can love her. What I’m saying is, try not to throw pieces of your heart around to those who seem like “the one”. Keep your heart safe until you find her. And when you find her, give her the heart that you kept secure especially for her. That’s what I hope for you. And I don’t expect you to reply to this. I don’t expect you to treat me any differently. I just wanted to let you know that this-that you are one of the things that I’ll remember when I look back at junior year.
Okay, now that that’s off my shoulders for now, I gotta get to work. When the time’s right, I may actually send this.
This school year has definitely been.. different. All that’s happened this school year was entirely unanticipated. But life usually plays out that way, doesn’t it?
For the past week or so I’ve realized that this year has probably been one of great regrets. I ran into the school year head on and now I’m crawling the rest of the way. I got tired and worn out. The school year used stress and it was super effective.
Basically, I planned to do swell in the 3 AP classes that I signed up for this school year. That totally went South. My 4.0 average dropped tremendously and I’m not in the slightest bit modest. I also didn’t expect to find myself teetering on whether I want to go to church anymore. My faith in God is being tested and I’m letting myself travel so far from His will. The worst part is knowing this and not caring to backtrack.
Yet, this year was probably my most busiest year in the best way possible. I didn’t expect our SADD chapter and leadership to be involved in so many activities. I’ve been honored to take part in our National Bullying Week, Leadership training at Disneyland, Every 15 Minutes, visiting Elementary schools, and more. SADD has definitely been the highlight of this school year.
The only things left of this school year are finals, AP testing, SATs, semester 2 report cards, and preparing for two months without school. I’ve taken three of six finals already. AP testing, for me, will be done in less than a week. I took my SATs on Saturday, but I’ll be taking it once more the Saturday before the last week of school.
Of that list, the only thing I’m absolutely terrified of going through is receiving my report card. The report card that’s going to summarize my entire junior year academically. And through that report card, along with the knowledge of previous transcripts, one can assume that something occurred to me that stumbled my academic ability; one does not simply decide to get bad grades after getting years and years of straight A’s.
Not only will it remind me of my academic failure, it will tell my parents that I need numerous verbal slaps in the face to remind me that they expect so much more from me. That, my friends, will be the absolute worst part of this school year. The one thing I excel at is making my parents proud of my work in school. Now that that’s gone, what will my parents be proud of from me? In their eyes, good grades is life and bad grades throw my future away. And it’s true as far as colleges/universities and careers go.
All that’s left to do is to hope. Hope that this won’t bring down the most heaviest burden of all. Hope that my parents will show me mercy. Hope that they punish me enough to the point that this will not recur in my future years in school. Hope that they won’t get stricter on my freedoms during summer. Hope that all the things that happened this year were part of a greater plan. Hope that I can look back at this school year one day and smile knowing how it’s helped bring me to a wonderful future. Hope that the end of this school year won’t bring me back to wishing I’d end.
Junior year, you wereare.. one to remember.
Surprisingly, I’m debating whether or not to come back to my church and youth group. I still am unsure. Bitterness is still somewhat inside me. Then there’s also the awkward trying-to-fit-in-where-I-left-off stage. Then there’s also the possibility of having to explain why I was gone for so long in the first place. Going back would just bring a whole lot of awkward out of me. I’m way to good at awkward to be comfortable with such a possibility.
Yet there’s still that pull. The pull that reminds me why I started going in the first place. The pull that drove me to want to show others why I loved going. The pull that gave me meaning, gave me purpose, gave me hope. The pull that I’m lacking now.
As much as I don’t want to acknowledge the pull as God, what else would it be?
Oh yes, then there’s God. Not only would I have to do all those awkward things. I have to go back to You. You know what I’ve done since I left. I’m not deserving of You. You know the thoughts that’s been through my head. The hurt and pain. The sin and desire. The absence of You. How can I reconcile to You? I can’t understand that You’d forgive me. Then again, I’m not supposed to and You will, with no doubt.
I don’t know. Why did I even leave? ‘Cause I felt left out. I felt like everyone was going somewhere with their lives without me. I felt like they could handle everything without me. That the things I do at church can be done by another’s hand. I am expendable. Replaceable. That, every ministry I started, I gave up on. That I’m not faithful enough to follow through. That I’m not confident enough to lead. That I’m not worthy enough to go. That I’m not important enough to be noticed when I’m gone.
I never thought I would be able to understand where all this bitterness against the youth came from. Yet, I’m spelling it out. I’m sure there’s more I’m missing. Jealousy. Anger. There was definitely some of that. I’ll save that for another time. It’s late, I have school tomorrow, and it’s AP testing week. I’ll stop while I’m ahead. Sweet dreams of today’s awkward incidences in dance class. Heh.
This wasn’t a recent revelation. My current mood makes me want to rant about things that annoy me and this does.
Apparently there’s a Facebook group for a class I’m taking. I’m not a part of it and we only have 2 months of school left. I know the group has been around for a while and I’m not trying to criticize those in it or those that made it. This only made me realize how significant I am to those in that class. Most of the friends I have in that class don’t have Facebooks. I know someone, though, who has asked me if I was in the group because he was. This was many weeks ago.
Here I am wanting to feel confident about myself. Wanting to bring myself up. And I’m not even noticed by people I see almost everyday of the week. Way to go..
Sometimes they don’t end up the way you hoped.
My plan for today after school: Go home and get crackin’ on AP Bio chapter questions and practice test (all started, just incomplete) and study for APUSH final while checking up on my Sim’s game every now and then. Eat dinner/snacks when the time came. Take breaks when the time came. But overall, get stuff done.
What I did: Got home, cried and threw stuff around ‘cause someone pissed me off before I came home. And since that incident, I just got annoyed with every little thing on my way home: the way my friend was talking, the drive home, and coming home to find a cleaned room. Stupid stuff, yes, but I was seriously annoyed. After all that, I went downstairs to eat and watch some tv. Then, I took a nap and I woke up not too long ago. Basically, I didn’t get stuff done AND my day was ruined. I was having a nice day. WAS.
I’ve been making some big decisions lately. Though they make only last for a while, they’re decisions nonetheless.
+ No high school relationships. - This is subject to change. However, I have been getting slightly irritated by some guys. Not to be all high and mighty, but I need my space sometimes. I can be rather hypocritical when it comes to this, as I can be the same when I like a fellow. But, I’ve been getting annoyed to the point where I just don’t want to deal with a boyfriend. Crushes, cool. Boyfriend, wait.
+ Interior design as a career choice. - This is big as I have NEVER ever considered any career as a possibility. And I am deeply considering interior design. One small step in decisions, one giant leap for life. Haha, I don’t know..
I think those are the most recent and biggest decisions I’ve made. I’ll keep you updated, I guess… Or will I?
I’m caught in an awkward situation. A friend from church asked me to be his co-leader for their upcoming camp. I accepted. He doesn’t really know how I’ve been with school or with my walk with God. Not sure how things are going to be if I follow through on this. I’d have to pray when I haven’t for so long. I’d have to worship when I haven’t for so long. I’d have to be a Christian example when I’m not even sure if I can be any example. Originally, I thought that if I even went to camp this year, I would be a camper. And here I am accepting another co-leader position. I keep getting torn between who my church friends remember me to be and who I am now. And the thing is that I barely know who I am now. Grr.
I need someone to talk to. Someone to ask me how I’m doing. Someone who won’t settle for “I’m alright.” Someone who will push passed “I don’t really know how to explain.” That’s what I’ll say. I guess I involuntary test those who ask me what’s up, to see how interested they are in me. And right now, no one’s gone that far. And I have so much I need to get off my chest. So much stuff I need someone to listen to. I don’t want someone to lecture me anymore. I don’t want someone to try to make a diagnosis of my situation. Will someone offer to listen when I won’t offer to talk?
I need to do homework but I don’t want to. Gah. Desire conflicting with need = Sadness and unfinished homework. GRRRRRR.
I may want to be an interior designer. In the eyes of my Mom, this probably is a bad idea. I know my Dad just wants me to be happy. They both, definitely, want the best for me. This decision, however, isn’t for sure. I don’t know. I’ve been so indecisive for so long that finalizing this possible career for the time being is too.. odd? Weird? Random? I guess. Not sure. We’ll see how things go.
I am scared. Utterly scared of the future. Of my future. I don’t know what it holds. I’m afraid that it will be unfulfilling and not what I hope. Yet again, I have no will to do anything whatsoever to avoid this possible future. Oh how terribly I handle predicaments..
Twice today, I felt like crying. Two people slapped me in the face today. Not with their hands, but with words. One was a teacher I had freshman year. Thought he was a cool guy ‘til today. He yelled at me and some people from my class for being where we were supposed to be. It really dampened my day. His words hurt because I just do not enjoy being yelled at especially if I did nothing wrong. Then, during the last period of class, a friend continues to try to talk me into getting back on track in my life. His words hurt because they were the truth. Because they were everything I knew but did not want to hear. Because as much as I want to change, I won’t.
Where the hell am I going with this life? I don’t know. If I could explain my current feelings into words, I would. I doubt I could without breaking down and becoming more confused about my situation. I’m just really pissed at life right now.
Not a day passes where I picture myself in a bright future and realize that I may not achieve it. And not a day passes where I think about how things would be if I were to just leave.
I’m not experiencing the best life I could be experiencing. I’m not applying myself. If I did, I could be better than I am right now. These are the things people keep telling me. I get it. I can be better. I know I can. But I’m not. Sorry I don’t live up to your expectations. Sorry I’m wasting my talent and potential. Sorry.
People think that knowing I can be better than I am should make me want to work harder and aim higher. At this point, telling me those things will only annoy me and put me further down. I don’t say this to anyone, of course. Because I don’t talk to anyone truthfully about how I am anymore and because I do not have the confidence in myself to speak out.
Confidence. I realize that I greatly lack it. Maybe if I had it, I wouldn’t be where I’m at. But then again, there are a lot of “maybe this” and “maybe that’s” that I could throw out when I think about my situation.
Whatever. I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m existing. That’s about all the effort I’m willing to put in life right now.
I am unhappy. Unhappy with who I am and where I am. Yet I’m doing absolutely nothing to change things. As much as I hate it here, sometimes I feel like I’m better off staying. That I don’t deserve anything more. That it’s better not to try.
